Learning how to stay calm can be hard.

There are so many things that teach us how to react in certain circumstances: our environment, culture, upbringing, friends, experience in situations, things we’ve seen.

In each of these, there are different behaviors that are socially acceptable.

Staying calm doesn’t mean not speaking up. And it doesn’t mean to suppress your emotions. When I think of staying calm, I think of pausing before reacting to a situation.

Now this depends on the situation, of course. If you are in danger then yes, a quick reaction needs to be taken.

But in most day-to-day situations, you will have the option to stay calm and think before acting.

A big part in controlling our reactions has to do with how we view ourselves and the world around us.

Reflecting on ourselves and our assumptions can help prevent us from making rash decisions. Reacting in negative ways won’t benefit you or your relationships with others.

There are much healthier ways to express how you feel about something.

Reflect on Yourself

A lot of times we are in our own world and think that all problems are from outside sources.

But we should continuously work on ourselves. As we continue to grow, we change.

Looking back, you may realize times when you were wrong. Maybe you’ve learned from it.

The key is to understand that we are always growing.

Each situation is an opportunity to learn things about yourself as well as teach others. Take it as a way to improve.

For example, you’ve just gotten in an argument with someone and are overwhelmed with anger and exhaustion. Expressing your feelings can be physically draining.

The other person could have been right or wrong but either way, maybe it didn’t leave you feeling that great about it.

You can look at how you reacted and think about what caused you to react in that way.

Was it the way the person approached you? Maybe it’s something that’s been building up from previous altercations. Could it be that you both have valid points and it boils down to different perspectives?

It won’t hurt to reflect on yourself and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Not to agree with them, but just to understand for your own sake. Often, looking at different perspectives will actually help you.

By looking at why, you may be able to react differently during certain situations.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask Questions Instead

Different backgrounds can cause both parties involved in an argument to make certain assumptions.

People don’t know each other as well as they think; we make judgments from our own assumptions.

The way we all look at things differs based on our environment, background, culture, race, etc.

And we tend to make assumptions with our own influences, believing that everyone around us also thinks the way we do.

We don’t usually have the full picture of what’s going on with others. So when we see part of the picture, we fill in the rest of the information with our biased thoughts.

This is what leads us in the wrong direction. I find that most of the time, when I make assumptions, they are faulty.

What often happens is when we think something “seems” off with someone else, we turn inwards and think it has to do with something we did. When you finally find the truth, it often has nothing to do with you.

For example, you find that a person doesn’t seem like they want to hang out with you. You can assume that you are no fun to hang around or that you said or did something wrong.

But do you really have the facts to make those assumptions?

It’s possible that the person is going through something. Or they have other obligations. It could be that you two are just different and may have behaviors that they don’t agree with and vice versa.

What would help in these situations is to ask the questions. It’s hard because we tend to avoid asking because it makes us feel uncomfortable and we fear hearing the answers.

It’s Not Always About You

We are social and seek validation from others.

People talk about others for their own enjoyment or satisfaction (to laugh, make others laugh, impress others).

If those that like to poke fun of people have friends that are the same, they may continue this behavior. It’s when they get backlash that they may realize it’s wrong (maybe).

We all make decisions for our own benefit.

Remember that it’s not about you, it’s about them.

It’s possible that someone gets a rush of endorphins by being angry. Maybe they never learned how to feel happy in a healthier way. It can feel good to be angry.

Accept Your Feelings

We all have past experiences that determine how we view and react to the world.

Accept your feelings and emotions for what they are. Even if they seem petty or are for stupid reasons.

This is how you get to know yourself and can grow from it. We aren’t taught how to deal with our own emotions in a healthy way.

We should try to understand ourselves in order to make a change. Once we think first about what we are feeling, we can take the time to adjust.

Avoiding how we feel won’t teach us anything. We will just continue to blindly react.

Know what bothers you – what causes you to react? What are you triggers?

Anger isn’t always bad. It’s good in a situation requires protection. So certain emotions that are seen negatively are good in the right situations.

Change How You React

We can’t stop emotions, but we can change how we react.

You can choose to continue with destructive behavior, but it’s important, for your own sake, to realize a problem and admit when you’re wrong.

Here’s a small example:

Someone is over at your place and they drop your favorite cup. You get angry and start cursing and fussing at why they shouldn’t have dropped it. Later, you may reflect and feel bad.

Are you evil, for blaming someone for dropping your favorite cup? No, its human nature.

Did you get mad because it’s hard to get a new one? Perhaps it’s because you have to clean up and don’t feel like it.

The important thing is to learn from that incident. Realize its not as big a deal as you made it to be. We all have accidents especially kids who are still learning how to use their bodies and their brains.

If you remind yourself to take a breath first the next time and realize it was an accident, you’ll do better.

We have to remember we aren’t perfect, and our days are never going to be perfect day in and day out.

We can’t stop emotions since they are our automatic reactions. But we can interrupt the path from how we react.

Think About the Consequences of Your Reactions

We give our emotions meaning by our reactions. You can choose to react by going off on someone when you become angry.

But you have to deal with the consequences of feeling this way.

Stress levels will go up. You may create tension in your relationships.

Instead you can choose to breathe first when you get angry and then think about what just happened more rationally.

It’s possible to talk about why something caused you to feel that way. Have that talk with yourself or a friend, someone to work out your thoughts. You can then handle things in a more peaceful way.

Work Through Your Past

Realize that sometimes you are reacting because of something from your past.

Here’s an example:

You are angry with your parents because they mistreated you when you were growing up.

If you’re angry with your parents, you can’t solve that issue by directing it to someone else.

Maybe you can’t discuss it with your parents. But the thing is, you can only play the victim for so long. You’ll have to find a way to forgive… for your own sake.

They did what they did because of their own decisions. Not because you deserved it.

Parents are always learning too. They don’t really know what they are doing. It may not be fair, but it’s true.  

Another example:

You’ve made a decision in your life that has affected you in the long term. Maybe it caused you to have a harder life than you should have.

Sooner or later, you’ve got to forgive yourself for those decisions. Otherwise it will eat you up. It can lead to depression and phew depression is tough!

It’s the past. And you shouldn’t punish yourself for the past. You’re in a different place in the present. You learn from the past and move forward the best way you can.

Now if the experience holding you in the past is traumatic, advice should be taken from a professional. I’m not qualified in that.

What are some ways that you use to stay calm?